By Lance Dodes, MD
My perspective on addiction has largely been through the lenes of those in 12-step programs. This is a refreshing different perspective. 12-step things "I am an addict. Addiction is a disease." This book suggests "People of addictive behavior for reasons. let's explore." Having said that, many of the strategies between the two are will aligned.
The book contains deep, bolded points on addiction.
Addiction is a behavior intended to reverse a profound, intolerable sense of helplessness. This helplessness is always rooted in something deeply important to the individual.
The drive in addictive behavior is rage at helplessness. It is this particular kind of rage that gives addiction its most conspicuous characteristics of intensity and loss of control.
Addictions are all substitute (or displaced) actions. They take the place of a more direct response to feelings of helplessness in a particular situation.
The key moment in addiction is when the thought of it first comes to mind. This may be hours or even days before the addictive act occurs.
The key moment in the chain of thoughts, feelings, and acts leading up to an additive behavior may be a decision to take an action that brings you closer to the addictive behavior, rather than a conscious thought about the addictive act itself.
The feeling at the key moment along the path to addictive behavior is helplessness or powerlessness. It feels like you are in a trap that you can do nothing about.
The solutions to the helplessness traps that lead to addiction are just the direct actions that would have automatically come to mind if there were not some emotional factor preventing you from acting directly.
When seeking alternatives to addictive behavior, you don't need to come up with the best possible alternative. You only need to come up with an action that addresses your predicament more directly than the addictive act.
Because it is so valuable to recognize the key moment-- the earliest point at which you begin to think about performing your addictive act-- you can help yourself by imagining this moment yourself. You can do this by anticipating the circumstances in which it would occur.
Setting limits is a reasonable response to dangerous (including emotionally hurtful) situations. It should be motivated by the need to protect yourself and your family, not as a prod or punishment for the person with addiction. Being tough or punishing has no place in treating addiction, but protecting yourself always makes sense.
Shame or guilt provide powerful reasons for lying in a relationship. Lying caused by these factors does not, in itself, mean that the person no longer loves or respects his partner.
The actions that are part of an addictive process are impelled by the same powerful drive as the addictive act itself. Lies are common examples of this. When they are directly related to the addiction, they are no more a sign of general untrustworthiness than the addiction itself.
The simplest test for people with those who have an addiction, then, is to ask the question: How do they behave in areas unconnected to the addiction? If your loved ones are honest and caring in ways that are independent of their addictive behavior, that's the best indication of their true feelings towards you.
Because addiction is an internal problem arising from sources within the person who has an addiction, it cannot be the result of a partners behavior.
When your partner suffers with addiction and you are powerless to help, it can easily make you feel trapped. The rage you feel is a normal reaction under these circumstances, and is not due to any fundamental change in your character.
Never tell a child, or adult, that an addictive behavior will never happen again. That sort of promise, even though it is tempting to make in the moment, in order to make the child feel better, is a disappointment waiting to happen.
Trust is best maintained, not by promising to change addictive behavior, but by being honest about how hard it is to manage and by demonstrating trustworthiness in other areas outside the context of addiction.
Since addiction is part of a person's overall psychology-- a symptom produced by the same issues that trouble a person in general-- it is always useful to integrate treatment of addiction with a broader view of your patients psychological landscape. Understanding addiction helps to understand all areas of trouble, and understanding other areas of trouble in a person's life helps to understand the addiction.
