Don't get me wrong. The L&SD makes some important points...
- Blame and finger-pointing are wasteful; dangerous even.
- Blame and finger-pointing create self-fulfilling problems. If I blame someone for a problem and point fingers, then I get to stop trying to solve the problem. That someone now gets to point fingers at me as I have given up trying to solve the problem. We both get to say "Not my fault" and point fingers. This cycle of self-deception is very destructive.
- You can't change other people. You can focus on what you can do to make a difference.
- Not doing what you believe is right, is self betrayal which leads to self deception.
Why am I luke-warm about it? It's not that deep. There is a lack of documented research behind this book. It all smacks of a sales pitch for courses from the Arbinger Institute.
The book also glosses over priorities, urgency and importance. There is little more guidance than "Focus on those around you. Trust us... you won't be overwhelmed with an unending list of things that you must do"
There is also no mention of self doubt. I can't count the number of times I've been in a situation where I don't know what the right thing to do is. Or maybe I think I do, but I'm unsure. What then? Am I betraying myself if I doubt myself?
There is little discussion of martyrdom or co-dependence. Sometimes you can do too much for other people. They will take advantage of this. This is compensated a little by a good discussion of giving hard feedback, v.s. soft feedback v.s. blame. At the same time, it doesn't tackle the question "When should you push someone out of your life?" Will a battered wife solve her problems by thinking outside of the box?
Finally, using L&SD naively leads to out-of-site-out-of-mind behavior. People forget that they have feelings and obligations for people that don't regularly keep in contact with. Of course I must prioritize. Of course my priorities may take me away from those around me in this moment. Am I really betraying myself if I do this?
